Growing Up - Me or Them?

Like a surprising number of guys my age, I had kids pretty late in life compared to my father. He was in his strong-and-ambitious mid 20's when my sister was born, and I was born a year or so later. By contrast, I was almost 40 when my first daughter was born. So I am an Old Dad, as the saying goes (NOTE: it is mostly the stay at home moms who say that). Fortunately, I'm in good company.

Maybe all we late blooming families are part of the Generation X phenomena. Before you get all spun up about the term Generation X, let me clarify: I mean the people who entered the workforce in the mid to late 80's during a crappy economy and paradigm-shifting technological (and managerial) change. Kind of like today's graduates from college and university. It took a lot of us a while to get our careers sorted out, and many of us have had several different careers... something our fathers would have looked down on but we practiced as a matter of survival.

So it took us a while to get comfortable enough and (let's be honest) wealthy enough to afford a family. And we by-and-large married educated career women who were in the same boat as us and in truth weren't all that keen to throw four years of post-secondary education out with a stack of soiled diapers. They wanted to work and earn some money (or rather, pay off their student loans) too.

But that is only part of the story. I know guys who had kids when they were young.. guys who are now in their 50's.. who are having babies again. In some cases, it is part of a second marriage. In other cases, it just seems to be because they can. With older kids almost out of the house and two spouses working, you can afford to have a baby. Medical science has progressed well enough that it is nowhere near as risky for a woman to have a child in her late 30's or even 40's as it was even ten years ago.

But as I tell my kids - just because you can eat crayons, it doesn't mean you should.

At some point, you have to wonder just how much of this is ego. And I don't mean just the men, either. Women are sadly cursed with conflicting albatrosses of Motherhood ('to be truly fulfilled') and Independence ('my own woman') . So I get it that there is a lot of emotional content at play here.

Whatever the reason, once you got 'em.. they're yours. You gotta raise 'em. I am more fortunate than most in that I have a strong streak of immaturity that will help me stay youthful :)

It is very important to me that I enjoy my kids. I don't just mean the idea of my kids. I mean, my real kids.. their daily lives, the funny things they say, the emergence of their real characters. I guard against putting them in a category in my mind, like I put yard work or tax calculations. Things that are necessary and maybe even enjoyable, but are essentially work.

My kids are not work.

They take effort and time, but they are not work. They are life. They are mystery and magic and terror and love and I am a better man for being with them. I want to share the magic of life with them for as long as I am permitted. In this, I am decidedly not grown-up.

Shine on, brother.

Self, how did I get here?

Sometimes I just have to wonder where it all went wrong, and then where it all went right again.

There is definitely a chain of events in our lives. One stupid act somehow begets something worthwhile, and it is shocking to think that it really does all work out in the end. Everyone has done something stupid. A few of us have done something monumentally stupid. As in 'ruining your freaking life' stupid. And still, it worked out for me. Sort of. I think.

Remember when you were a young man and you were deeply, incredibly, and somewhat tragically in love with that special girl? Remember the heart sickness and the devastation? Is it coming back? Now ask yourself where you would be if it hadn't happened. Would you be a stronger man for it, or would it have mattered at all? These are the late-night-wolf-prowling-mind-won't-stop kind of thoughts. They usually hit you late at night when you are travelling or drinking (preferable both) and have too much time on your hands. I used to have them quite a lot. I try to avoid them now. Frankly, they take too much energy, and they never made me happy anyway. In fact, it might just drive you crazy if you let it.

So here is the good news. There is a really simple way to avoid all the crazy thoughts. Are you ready? Repeat after me:

'Everything happens for a reason."

That's it. Everything happens for a reason. I suppose you could add that you won't know how it will work out until it actually does. Sorry, no peeking into the future.

A long time ago, my dad advised me to always act brave. Even if you are not brave, just pretend to be.. no one can tell the difference. He was right. And it is the same with this. Even if you don't believe that everything happens for a reason, just pretend to believe it. You'll feel better.

For me, I'm too far gone to worry about my colossal fuck-ups from a decade ago. I've got too much other stuff distracting me.. wife, two small children, stressful work, mortgage under water. But rather than let all the problems weigh me down, I do my best to remember to enjoy the ride. Because, hey.. everything happens for a reason.

Shine on, brother.